Back To The Begining

September 22,2012

My ending back right from where I started in the very begining in 2010, shows perhaps I wasn't as strong as I once thought.

Sometimes we think we are at a better place in our lives, but our head does not always seem to be in the same place as our hearts.

I have tried to tell myself so many times throughout my life that I am ok with being a BBW, but as I he said before , I am a skinny woman in a large womans body.

I am not going to make the statement that "Once again I have decided to try again to lose weight". I have got to lose weight this time, but dayum it is hard.

It is soooo easy to put the weight on and so fun at the same time. Food has always been my friend, it never abused me physically, mentally  and/or emotionally. Food has always been the one thing that has ever given me 100% , it never left, it stuck around on my, chin, my hips, my arms, my thighs , stomach and definitly my butt.

I have always felt that losing weight was like a job, most of the time a lot of work and the majority of the time ends up being extremly frustrating.

Along with being overweight is the feeling that you dont deserve any better in life that what you have always and currently are dealing with. Whether it be in living each day or in relationships and love.

I have talked and talked about writing a book regarding my love and relationships I have encountered in my life.

But I have said the same over and over that I will stick to my diet of the month and here I am always right back where I stared from many years ago.

I have sat here today thinking, contemplating, dissapointed  and just feling somewhat sad as to why I allow myself to keep ending back here, after all the hard work I have done on the past and just to allow myself to end up right back and the same place.

Sooooo here I go....Todat Saturday September 22,2012 I have made the decision to quit sabotaging myself and put on my big girl panties (literally, lol) and get rid of these extra pounds.

As many of you who know me, knwo that when I speak of excess weight it is not always the weight I see when I get on the scale, but the weight and excess baggage of the toxic people I always manage to allow into my life.

My goal is to lose 40lbs by Christmas and to finally rid myself of the undeserving people who continue to work their way back into my life and into my heart, only to once again drain me of every breathe of who I felt I have become or should have become. To be strong and to no longer feel the need to help every one else and help Tamra very last when I am so drained Ihave nothing letf to give if even to myself.

I will make an oath to love myself and to allow myself to be loved by people who deserve my love and not those who I feel need my love.

I can sit here and honestly say that of all the relationships in my life regarding men and love I have never yet allowed myself to be in one that I can now feel was ever actually worth my while, one that the man actually deserved to have me in their life, to have the commitment I gave them, the 100% effort, strength and unconditional love I gave them.

I am 49 years old this year, I want to be able to wear that LBD (little lack dress) to walk in to a room and everyones head turns, except perhaps one man and that is only because he has no neck (lol, just sayin).

I am not looking for a pat on the back, nor am I looking for critisism, I am just looking for my friends to be there to support me through this what I hope to be incredible journey. The goal being the final chapter, my last chapter. Because I will have met my goals and have reached where I feel is at its highest and so incredibaly awesome I feel there is no where else to go, the feeling that I have reachined infinity and beyond.

And ending of me becoming fit, physically, mentally, emotionally and able to see what a good relationship and love is compared to my lifetime of poor choices of men and knowing I deserve better and allowing myself to be loved by a man for who I am , not who they want their wife or girlfriend to be.


As I have stated before my books title is "Memoirs' Of A BBW"  it will cover my dieting journey, but the main topics (chapters) will be insert of my dating experiences and the sad, but yet humerous things tha have happened to me, which I am sure a lot of single women can relate to.

I have made a goal for myself to write at least 5 pages to add to my book each day before I go to bed. And I hope to have to majority of this book done by the begining of 2013, however th last chapter will depend on my life and how the final chapter ends the book, it could go in several different directions, we will just have to see, lol. Who knows perhaps it will end with the reality show I have been talking of starting "Brotha Husbands" (like sister wives, lol)

I will not use their names in the book, becaue I know if I even make a single dime writing this book, they will all try to work their ways into my life yet again, telling how much they love me, what a mistake they made for the way they treated me and they have missed me and oh how sorry they are. But I know in the world of reality what they are actually asking is where is my royality check from your book. lol.

To those of you who continue to be by my side, to be my friend, not ,atter which direction my path has taken me throughout these years and you have always considered yourself my friend.

Thank You


Lady T

The Gym and Its Entertainers

I had an essay I had to do in English, I thought this would be a fun one. It is all in play, so please don't take it as my being judgmental or condescending . It's me just being me. I hope you enjoy.

The Gym and Its Entertainers

Going to the gym can be quite entertaining. There are the social athletes who are there to connect with friends and acquaintances; then there are the serious athletes who are committed to their structured routines. And the last group of athletes is the seasonal athletes because of their drive to execute the New Year’s Eve resolution they made while indulging in a last cocktail before the resolution commences the next Monday.

When entering the gym each morning, proceeding before me are the Social Athletes. I graciously maneuver around the group of socialites while they muddle the entrance of the gym. These entertainers find the need to consort with others of their identicalness, they conglomerate right at the front desk not allowing any that are not in their pack through without some complication. As I titter under my breath trying to be patient, yet also amused at the array of attire, the new sneakers and sweat outfits matching in both brand name and color. I observe the clothing and know that the most workouts these ensembles have seen are the friction of sliding of the derriere in and out of the new sports cars and the lounge chairs at Starbucks. I can assume this because of the worn and fading of the posterior of the britches and the caramel macchiato stain on the sleeve of the plush sweat jacket. At times these athletes do make it to the treadmill only to become particularly engrossed in the food network channel.

The second group of athletes I observe from afar are the Serious Athletes. Each day implementing new routines and making the techniques being first and foremost. Whether it be adding more duration to the workout or pushing themselves to their utmost potential. Often I see the serious athletes dominating the gym, the husky, throaty grunts, sweat dripping down their brow and the clamorous sound made as the weight bar is lowered down to its primitive position. The serious athlete then orbits around the equipment as if he were a lion contemplating his next kill; he then looks up as if to observe if anyone has witnessed this assassination. Then I see the gleam of gratification of his success in his eyes.

The very last group of athletes I can distinguish and find generally entertaining are the Seasonal Athletes. From what I can perceive Seasonal Athletes fulfilling a New Year’s Resolution, a goal made one day and forgot the next. I find it true to be, that these athletes are committed in the months of January through March. A membership fee is paid for three months and only frequented days are three days of the first month. Vowing to get fit, to get off the coach, give up “Days of Our Lives” and “Oprah” for the three committed months. After examining the Seasonal Athletes for a short period I fascinated to know, which of these mortals will go home and view these episodes previously recorded on their DVR, while frequenting the gym.

I have yet to figure out which consort I find most entertaining. Perhaps after much contemplation and observation I will prevail. Or perhaps after I have resolved where my position might be in one these three groups, I will be more at leisure to state the actuality. I do know without reservation, I am not a component of the Serious Athletic group, nor do I conceive of ever becoming one.

The Diet "AGAIN"

Meal #1: 1 scoop(comes in the protien powder) protien powder , 1 1/2 scoops dry oatmeal and 1 teas flax seed oil, put in a blender with 8 ounces water and some ice, blend until smooth then pour in a chilled glass and drink.


Meal#2: 1 1/2 cup brown rice(or a small red potatoe), 4 ounces protien(turkey, fish or chicken) baked or broiled, 1 1/2 cups salad, dressing consists of 1 teas olive oil, 1 teas balsamic vinegar and 1 teas lemon juice

Meal #3: the same as meal#1

Meal #4 same guidlines as meal #2

Meal #5 1/2 cup lo fat cottage cheese

That is is for every day for 2 weeks
You can do a carb overload on Tuesday & Thursday.......are you ready for this.....add another 1/2 cup brown rice to your meal #2 & #4......I know, i couldnt believe it either,LMAO.

You can season w/Mrs. Dash or Molly Mcbutter, but no salt, garlic salt etc.

And also drink 1 Gal water every day.

WOW, I am back

Hey Everyone:

Looking back at my last blog it has been a very long time since I have posted any entries. I guess I figured once the Gold's Gym Challenge was done, I kind of gave up for a short period of time, but I have had allot of people ask when I was going to start doing my posts again.

So here I am... this blog is not for me to try and show that because I have lost 46lbs that I have the cure all knowledge for weight loss and/or fitness, because no one does, we each have to find our comfort zone. I guess you could say I am writing this blog more-less for my own selfish reasons , it helps me to keep in check what I need to do...it keeps me aware of what I need to do in order to continue on this weight loss journey and get to where I am comfortable and where I want to be. And also to help me learn and keep myself true to the woman I have become.

But I also am very interested in writing a book in the future, regarding the trials and tribulations women go through each and every day,whether it be parenting, work, school, friendships, dating, abusive or failing relationships and allot of the other things that I have been through that I know allot of other women go through. And to show that "We Can" survive.

I want women to know...."If I can do this anyone can".....I have survived allot through my 47 years, abusive love relationships starting in my younger dating years, up until my divorce 11 years ago. The loss of a baby, and also several toxic failed relationships. but it can all be dealt with and conquered.

All the failures(whether it be in love or just life in general) a woman can surpass all this and it has all made me the strong, confident woman I am today. would i do it all again? Well I can truely say when it came to relationships & love "HELL NO" I would have chosen the men I date or was involved with definitely in a different way, but thats a whole other topic for a future blog, LOL

Overeating and being overweight is not something any of us choose, when we are younger grow up we do not go around staying "I want to be an overweight/ a big person when I grow up" overeating and being overweight is like that of a drug addict or alcoholic.....it is a disease, and no one can make you want to lose weight or get healthy unless, you yourself is ready to make the change. And then after the choice has been made to do so, it has to be done in a healthy way. Overeating and unhealthy eating all stems from something, sometimes we ourselves are not even aware of...stress depression, etc

Well I knew I had a very long way to go, so after the summer, I am back and ready to roll. Of course the 2011 Challenge will start soon and I will compete again. But I have my own goals and dreams and I want to lose 60 lbs by June of 2011.

I hope you enjoy my blog and if there are ever anytime you want to ask me questions, please feel free to do so.

blueeyes4082@aol.com (please put BLOG in the subject line)

Have an awesome day!

Tamra

The End, Yet A New Begining

WOW, the 12 weeks went by soooo fast, here is my essay I turned in at my final weigh in.
Thank You so much for everyones love and support.
I will continue to blog, I am still on this weight loss journey and I am determined to lose another 100lbs, my goal is by my 30th yr class reunion next year, hang on cuz we are on for the ride of my life, lol.
I would like to first start off by thanking Gold’s Gym, this has been the most awesome journey I have ever experienced in my life and I would like to especially Thank Blair,Laura, Randy and Rose at both local Gold’s they have all taken such a personal interest in helping me with my success.
When I first started this journey and would tell people about these changes I was experiencing, there were so many people who had their own health, diet and exercise tips. I would think to myself, how can they be such an expert, when they are sitting there eating a super size quarter pounder meal, followed by a cigarette, very interesting.
Before I started the challenge I was leading such an unhealthy lifestyle and my life was at risk, I was eating out at fast food restaurants 3-4 times a week and continuously gaining weight. Being a single mother of 3, I needed to do this for my children. But first and foremost I needed to do this for myself.
I have learned to love myself and to be happy again. I have learned to rid my life of toxic food, people and relationships; I carry myself in a more happy, confident and proud way now. I have dealt with so much stress in the past 12 weeks, everything from being laid off, to having to move out of my home. But I know how to deal with stress in a totally different way now, then I would have handled in it the past. I no longer eat out of stress, I work out. My diet & workout routine have been the only two things in my life in the last 12 weeks that have been consistent and positive in my life.
I have learned that living an unhealthy lifestyle is like being a drug addict, food was my friend before, it never let me down or judged me it calmed and soothed me. Now exercise does this for me. I have learned to eat as needed, not as much as I want. I have learned that if you fall off your diet and/or exercise program to pick myself up, dust myself off and start back where I left off.
I never in my life thought I would have people telling me how great I am looking and asking me for tips and asking me questions regarding my weight loss journey, my weight loss and fitness journey has inspired others, family members and friends. Even strangers who have read my blog. Never in my life would I have ever thought I could do this let alone inspire others.
In the past when I would travel out of town, I would think of all the awesome restaurants and food I would get to experience, now I am googling where the gyms are where I will be visiting. My lifestyle has done a 380 degree turn around, I love myself, I have learned to eat healthier, exercise daily, no longer settle in a relationship, I know now I deserve so much better things & people in my life.
I have completely changed my life thanks to Gold’s Gym and all the support I have received , I am more fit and healthier than I have ever been in my adult life. I am off my anti-depressants & blood pressure medicines and I accomplished what I set out to do, I will continue on this weight loss/fitness journey. I still have a long road ahead of me, but with the support from the good friends I have made will on this journey, my family and the love and adornment I have found for myself I will succeed even further than I have done in the last 12 weeks.
I now want to write a book in hopes to help other women who have struggled their whole life with their weight, health, relationships, loving and finding themselves . I will continue on my journey of a healthy way of living & eating, with my daily exercise at Gold’s Gym, but most of all my love for myself and my children and my drive now to know that I can do this and I have proven to myself I can and I deserve it.
Final Results:
For the 12 week Gold's Challenge I have lost 32 lbs & 7 1/2 inches off my hips.
For the KYSN contest I lost 36 lbs.
Now the next step...lose 100 lbs by the 30th year class reunion next year and to research on how to get the book I want to write published, any idea's?

The Half Way Mark

Well just completed week 6, 6 more weeks to go.

Weighed in yesterday lost 4lbs, I was happy to have lost anything after the last 2 weeks, the first of the two weeks did not go real well, I didn't necessarily cheat, I just didn't follow my diet to the T as I should have.

Work out with Rose on Thursday was brutal, but good.

Members on both teams have had to deal with a tremendous amount of stress in their every day life lately and that makes the getting out of bed early and making it to the gym difficult, but it is a real killer when it comes down to trying to lose weight.

There is a natural, stress-related hormone called cortisol that may contribute to weight issues, particularly abdominal fat. High amounts of cortisol are released into the blood stream when you are under stress. Receptors for cortisol are located in your abdomen, which triggers fat storage there. In 2000, researchers found that women with a high waist-to-hip ratio -- both overweight and slim -- secreted more cortisol under stress and reported more stress in their daily lives than women with lower waist-to-hip ratios.

Additionally, excess cortisol may actually cause your metabolism to slow down. This could mean that even if you don't consume more calories than usual, you could gain weight.

I have a good friend who once told me that when dealing with stress to be like a duck, be like a duck , I laughed should i flap my wings and quack?(Or whatever noise ducks make).

He said no, let the every day stress roll off your back.(like a duck does water)

So now most times when I am stressed, I do like a duck does and let it roll off my back.

Of course I then laugh because I think of myself walking around flapping my arms and quacking.

I appreciate you taking the time out to read my blog and I have had alto of feed back that I have motivated friends and family to start a more healthier life, that makes me happy.

Who would have knew that I could motivate myself to get to the gym every morning, let alone others.

Thanks everyone, I luv you.

Tam

Stagnent

Hey everyone:

Not allot to talk about tonight, kind of a blaw week.

This last week has kind of been stagnant, in somewhat of a rut, but tomorrow is a new week and time to get back on track.

Met with some fellow challengers Friday night at the Buzz Inn East, had one drink and drank diet Pepsi the rest of the night, very interesting watching people in the bar following off their bar stool and talking really loud.

It was fun laughing and visiting with the team members though.

Last week was some kind of week, lol. Just when you think it can't get any worse..tadddaaaa, you get hit yet again.

Didn't do very well following the diet exactly to a T, this last week,but tonight I made all my food for the next week and I will get back on track, for sure.

Can't give up just need to regroup and move on and hit it fresh in the morning.

Well nighty night, I have to get up at 4AM.

Take care
Tam