Back To The Begining

September 22,2012

My ending back right from where I started in the very begining in 2010, shows perhaps I wasn't as strong as I once thought.

Sometimes we think we are at a better place in our lives, but our head does not always seem to be in the same place as our hearts.

I have tried to tell myself so many times throughout my life that I am ok with being a BBW, but as I he said before , I am a skinny woman in a large womans body.

I am not going to make the statement that "Once again I have decided to try again to lose weight". I have got to lose weight this time, but dayum it is hard.

It is soooo easy to put the weight on and so fun at the same time. Food has always been my friend, it never abused me physically, mentally  and/or emotionally. Food has always been the one thing that has ever given me 100% , it never left, it stuck around on my, chin, my hips, my arms, my thighs , stomach and definitly my butt.

I have always felt that losing weight was like a job, most of the time a lot of work and the majority of the time ends up being extremly frustrating.

Along with being overweight is the feeling that you dont deserve any better in life that what you have always and currently are dealing with. Whether it be in living each day or in relationships and love.

I have talked and talked about writing a book regarding my love and relationships I have encountered in my life.

But I have said the same over and over that I will stick to my diet of the month and here I am always right back where I stared from many years ago.

I have sat here today thinking, contemplating, dissapointed  and just feling somewhat sad as to why I allow myself to keep ending back here, after all the hard work I have done on the past and just to allow myself to end up right back and the same place.

Sooooo here I go....Todat Saturday September 22,2012 I have made the decision to quit sabotaging myself and put on my big girl panties (literally, lol) and get rid of these extra pounds.

As many of you who know me, knwo that when I speak of excess weight it is not always the weight I see when I get on the scale, but the weight and excess baggage of the toxic people I always manage to allow into my life.

My goal is to lose 40lbs by Christmas and to finally rid myself of the undeserving people who continue to work their way back into my life and into my heart, only to once again drain me of every breathe of who I felt I have become or should have become. To be strong and to no longer feel the need to help every one else and help Tamra very last when I am so drained Ihave nothing letf to give if even to myself.

I will make an oath to love myself and to allow myself to be loved by people who deserve my love and not those who I feel need my love.

I can sit here and honestly say that of all the relationships in my life regarding men and love I have never yet allowed myself to be in one that I can now feel was ever actually worth my while, one that the man actually deserved to have me in their life, to have the commitment I gave them, the 100% effort, strength and unconditional love I gave them.

I am 49 years old this year, I want to be able to wear that LBD (little lack dress) to walk in to a room and everyones head turns, except perhaps one man and that is only because he has no neck (lol, just sayin).

I am not looking for a pat on the back, nor am I looking for critisism, I am just looking for my friends to be there to support me through this what I hope to be incredible journey. The goal being the final chapter, my last chapter. Because I will have met my goals and have reached where I feel is at its highest and so incredibaly awesome I feel there is no where else to go, the feeling that I have reachined infinity and beyond.

And ending of me becoming fit, physically, mentally, emotionally and able to see what a good relationship and love is compared to my lifetime of poor choices of men and knowing I deserve better and allowing myself to be loved by a man for who I am , not who they want their wife or girlfriend to be.


As I have stated before my books title is "Memoirs' Of A BBW"  it will cover my dieting journey, but the main topics (chapters) will be insert of my dating experiences and the sad, but yet humerous things tha have happened to me, which I am sure a lot of single women can relate to.

I have made a goal for myself to write at least 5 pages to add to my book each day before I go to bed. And I hope to have to majority of this book done by the begining of 2013, however th last chapter will depend on my life and how the final chapter ends the book, it could go in several different directions, we will just have to see, lol. Who knows perhaps it will end with the reality show I have been talking of starting "Brotha Husbands" (like sister wives, lol)

I will not use their names in the book, becaue I know if I even make a single dime writing this book, they will all try to work their ways into my life yet again, telling how much they love me, what a mistake they made for the way they treated me and they have missed me and oh how sorry they are. But I know in the world of reality what they are actually asking is where is my royality check from your book. lol.

To those of you who continue to be by my side, to be my friend, not ,atter which direction my path has taken me throughout these years and you have always considered yourself my friend.

Thank You


Lady T